(And Why There’s Absolutely Nothing Wrong With You)
There was a time in my life when making friends seemed almost effortless.
School friends.
Work friends.
The parents standing next to us at Saturday sport.
Neighbours.
People we’d bump into at social events.
Some friendships lasted a lifetime. Others drifted quietly away.
Then, somewhere along the journey, something changed.
Maybe you’ve noticed it too.
You look around one day and realise your social circle isn’t quite what it used to be. Friends have moved interstate. Children have grown up and taken their social calendars with them. Relationships have ended. Careers have changed. Retirement has arrived.
Suddenly, making new friends feels surprisingly difficult.
If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s just you, can I reassure you?
It’s not.
In fact, researchers have been studying this very phenomenon for decades.
And what they’ve discovered might make you feel a whole lot better.
Friendship Was Never Meant to Stay the Same
One of the most fascinating theories about ageing comes from psychologist Laura Carstensen, who developed what’s known as Socioemotional Selectivity Theory.
In simple terms, as we grow older, we become more selective about where we invest our emotional energy.
When we’re younger, we’re building careers, families and networks. We collect people.
As we age, something shifts.
We become less interested in having hundreds of acquaintances and more interested in spending time with people who genuinely matter.
Researchers have consistently found that our social circles naturally become smaller over time—not because we’re failing socially, but because we’re choosing quality over quantity.
And honestly?
I think there’s something beautifully freeing about that.
We’re no longer collecting friends.
We’re collecting meaningful connections.
Life Gets Busier… and Harder
There’s another reason friendships become more complicated.
Life.
Think about everything that happens during adulthood.
Careers.
Children.
Ageing parents.
Health issues.
Relationship breakdowns.
Retirement.
Moving house.
Grief.
Financial pressures.
Major life transitions can disrupt even the strongest friendships.
Research into ageing populations has found that retirement, bereavement and changing family circumstances can all shrink our social networks.
Sometimes friendships don’t end because anyone did anything wrong.
Life simply carries us in different directions.
Perhaps one of the greatest acts of kindness we can offer ourselves is to stop interpreting this as rejection.
Sometimes it’s simply life being life.
The Friendship Myth We Need to Let Go Of
Can I tell you something?
I think social media has done us a slight disservice.
It can feel as though everyone else has a large group of friends constantly going out for lunch, taking holidays together and celebrating life’s milestones.
Meanwhile, we’re wondering why our phone hasn’t rung.
But here’s the truth.
Many adults are quietly wondering exactly the same thing.
Research suggests that people often underestimate how much others like them and overestimate how connected everyone else is.
The reality is that many people are looking for friendship.
They’re simply waiting for someone else to make the first move.
What if that someone was you?
Friendship Changes Shape
When we’re younger, friendships often happen by accident.
School.
University.
Workplaces.
Children’s activities.
Sporting clubs.
We’re thrown together repeatedly.
As adults, especially later in life, friendship requires intention.
We have to say yes to the coffee invitation.
Join the walking group.
Take the art class.
Volunteer.
Travel.
Strike up conversations.
Attend community events.
The irony is that many of us think everyone else already has enough friends.
Yet research and surveys consistently suggest that adults across all age groups are craving meaningful connection.
They’re hoping someone will sit next to them and simply say,
“Mind if I join you?”
Maybe We Need Fewer Friends Than We Think
I think one of the loveliest discoveries that comes with age is this.
We don’t need dozens of close friends.
We need a handful of people who know us.
People who celebrate our wins.
Sit with us through our losses.
Answer the phone.
Laugh until our stomach hurts.
Tell us when we’re being ridiculous.
Love us anyway.
The longest-running study of adult development, conducted by Harvard University, found that close relationships are among the strongest predictors of happiness and wellbeing throughout life.
Not wealth.
Not status.
Not achievements.
Relationships.
That tells me we’re investing in something incredibly worthwhile.
If You’re Feeling Lonely
I want to gently say this.
Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re unlikeable.
It doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
It doesn’t mean you’ve left it too late.
It simply means you’re human.
Friendship isn’t reserved for childhood or early adulthood.
Some of the deepest friendships are formed later in life because they’re built on authenticity rather than obligation.
Perhaps that’s one of the gifts of getting older.
We’ve stopped pretending.
We’ve learned what’s important.
We’re more willing to say,
“This is me.”
And perhaps that gives other people permission to do the same.
One Small Challenge
This week, I have a little invitation for you.
Smile at someone.
Message an old friend.
Join a local group.
Ask someone to coffee.
Say yes to the invitation you’ve been avoiding.
You don’t have to find your new best friend.
You simply have to plant a seed.
Friendship, much like a sunflower, doesn’t bloom overnight.
It takes sunshine.
Time.
Patience.
And someone willing to water it.
🌻 A Little Sunflower Thought
Sunflowers don’t grow in isolation.
They flourish in fields, standing together, turning towards the light.
Maybe we were never meant to do life alone, either.
— Kay
Leave a Reply